Kids aren’t born knowing how to manage their emotions. (Your sobbing toddler made that clear after you cut her sandwich the wrong way.) Strategies for developing emotional wellness “need to be taught, just like learning to add and subtract and tie your shoes,” says Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta Strong4Life licensed therapist Jody Baumstein, LCSW.
Just as we must look after our kids’ physical health, we have to support their emotional wellness (and our own). It’s a lifelong project that starts at birth.
Babies have so many physical needs—feedings, diaper changes, more feedings, more diaper changes—that’s it’s easy to forget they also have emotional needs. But good news: By responding to your infant’s cries, you are taking care of both.
Attunement is a fancy word for hearing and responding to a baby’s needs. He cries, you pick him up. He’s hungry, you feed him. Attunement “gives [babies] the sense that their needs are met and somebody’s paying attention, which is the foundation for emotional wellness,” says Baumstein.
Similar to attunement is the concept of “serve and return.” When a baby serves up a signal (a smile, a cry, a coo), the parent “returns” a response (smiling back, picking him up, talking). Serve-and-return interactions help develop a baby’s brain and strengthen bonds. Just talking to your baby, even if he can’t talk back, is a great way to start building emotional wellness.
Attunement is equally as important for young kids as it is for babies. You don’t have to drop what you are doing every time they yell “Watch me!” As long as you’re attuned most of the time, your child will feel safe and supported.
Other ways to support emotional wellness in toddlers and preschoolers:
- Remember that behavior is communication, and sometimes that comes in the form of tantrums. Tantrums (or meltdowns, as our experts prefer to call them) are a normal part of toddlerhood. They typically happen when a child can’t express herself with words. Teach your child the words to label her feelings: “I know you’re sad to leave the park.” Thank her for calming down (she will eventually) and move on.
- Talk about your own feelings. It’s important for your child to see that everyone has feelings and that it’s normal to share them with someone you trust. “I feel sad when you hit me. But when you hug me, I feel so happy.”
- Play! Research has shown that play has all kinds of emotional and cognitive benefits for young brains. It lowers stress for kids and adults alike, so join in the fun.
- It’s never too early to teach coping skills. After teaching your child how to name her feelings, teach her what to do with them. Even if your child isn’t verbal yet, teach by modeling. Show your child how to use deep breathing or other ways to calm down when she’s upset.
- Head to the library. There are lots of great books that teach kids to manage their feelings.
There is no “right” way to raise your children, but the American Academy of Pediatrics is clear that spanking does not help a child develop emotional toughness. Instead, spanking can lead to a different kind of toughness: A child who is routinely spanked is more likely to be aggressive when he’s older. Spanking is also tied to mental health problems such as depression and substance abuse.
Looking after your child’s emotional needs can feel like a never-ending job. Every age brings new challenges but also new opportunities to build resilience (the ability to handle life’s ups and downs). Celebrate small victories! That tear-free shopping trip or departure from the park is laying the foundation for emotional wellness.