What Is Emotional Regulation in Kids and Teens?
We’re born with a range of emotions, but none of us is born knowing how to regulate them. As a parent or caregiver, it's natural to want to protect kids from tough feelings. But kids build lifelong emotional regulation skills when they work through hard things, rather than avoiding them. Managing emotions is a lifelong learning process and you can teach your child how to handle their emotions on their own over time.
In this article:
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage your emotions in a healthy way. Starting at birth, it’s important that we teach and model emotional regulation skills. Kids observe and adopt these skills over time. And the best news is, it’s never too late to start.
We become emotionally regulated when we’re able to recognize, label and express our emotions, then use strategies to cope with them. For example, when your child tells you they’re feeling frustrated because of their homework, so they start taking deep breaths, that is healthy emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation skills start with connection
So how do you teach emotional regulation skills? It all begins with a safe, stable and nurturing relationship. When kids and teens have a trusted adult in their lives, they feel more comfortable expressing their emotions. You can start building that relationship by understanding emotional regulation for kids and its role in parenting.
| Emotional regulation is not… | Emotional regulation is… |
|---|---|
something you either have or you don’t. |
something you are taught from a safe, stable and nurturing adult. |
something you learn once. |
something that requires intentional practice and reinforcement throughout your life. |
something older kids don’t need help with. |
something that requires continued teaching and support. |
denying or avoiding emotions. |
identifying, expressing and coping with emotions in healthy ways. |
What does emotional regulation look like?
Building emotional regulation skills in kids takes time and looks different depending on age and developmental stage. Here are some ways we can offer support as they grow and develop.
| Age | Infancy | Preschool | Elementary | Middle/High |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Strategy | Responsive caregiving | Normalize and validate feelings | Use curiosity to encourage emotional expression and coping | Set the stage for open communication |
| Example | When an infant cries, use a soothing voice or gentle rocking to calm them. | When a child feels “big” emotions, empathize with those feelings while modeling your own calm and coping. | Respond with, “I wonder if you’re feeling…” or ask, “What might help you feel better right now?”. | Show active listening by putting away distractions, relaxing your body language, and using open-ended questions to encourage youth communication. (e.g. “How are you feeling?” and “What can I do to help?”). |